At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
