you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
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