Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Randomize
