I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
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