He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
