I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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