Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
