Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
