This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
