I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
