It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
where are my eyebrows?
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