Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
