I just threw up on my dentist
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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