I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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