I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
