Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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