Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Randomize
