Your mouth is God's brothel.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
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