I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize