i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
