Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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