my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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