...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
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I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
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"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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