She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
