Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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