I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
