just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
