Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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