speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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