I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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