Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
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