a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?