someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.