I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
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after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
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It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.