I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
