Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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