my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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