just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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