saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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