If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
