I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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