Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
