Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Randomize
