so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I'm having to shit out rocks
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
