I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Randomize
