I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
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I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
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What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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