This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
