my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
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