Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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