Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize
