I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
