I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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