Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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