My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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