Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
