I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Come on in and take your pants off
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