I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
