i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Randomize
