Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
