I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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