Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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